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.Give me a chance to."He let it trail off, and she looked at him."To kill him?”“Maybe.How's Frank doing? Hear from him?""They've still got Judy under observation.It must be a terrible place.Frank's lawyer hasn't been able to get her out.The man she.attacked is doing all right.Frank's just this side of a basket case.He blames himself.I think.""You think?"She shrugged."He said he should've seen this breakdown coming.But there was something else.Something he didn't tell me.""You think he knew it was Keith?""I didn't mention it.Neither did he.""How about Diane?""I finally talked to her yesterday.She sounded so strange.Very cool, but with.an edge.Almost like she didn't care.""I don't think they've loved each other for a long time." He leaned over and kissed her, bumping his crutch so that it clattered to the wooden deck."Everyone else is okay? Nothing's happened to Curly or Eddie or Dale?""No, I talked to all of them, and they're okay.Curly's taking it real seriously.He even hired a bodyguard.""We have to do something.I don't know what, but something.Will you get me the phone? I want to call Curly."A strange voice answered the phone, and put Curly on."That was my bodyguard, Jocko," he said.“Jocko?" Woody laughed in spite of himself."Seriously?”“Nah, his name's Kevin, but I think a bodyguard ought to be called Jocko or Bruno or something.He doesn't mind.""You haven't seen anything of our.friend?""You mean Keith? No.""It's him, Curly.It really is him.He came here the other night, tried to make me.well, let's say I wound up hurting myself instead."Curly was quiet for a long time."Tracy didn't give me the details, just that you had an accident.Son of a bitch.You're sure it was him?""I can still hear his voice, still see him.He said something about.about doing the world.""Doing the world? What's that supposed to mean?”“I don't know.Unless—""Like with gangsters, you do somebody, you—""Kill them.""Yeah." Neither one spoke for a while."Damn.Talk about your delusions of grandeur.He's one sick puppy.You think he was serious or just bragging or what?""I don't know.God only knows what he's capable of.Stealing a nuclear device, setting it off in New York or L.A.or someplace? Trying to start World War Three? I just don't know.How else would you do the world?""But would Pan do something like that?" Curly said."I mean, that's kind of the ultimate pollution.Out of character, huh? But then he's gotta be nuts to begin with.""Maybe.But from everything I've read about him, there's a terrible logic to his insanity.""I almost wish he'd show up.I'd shoot his ass.Or Jocko would.""I know.I told Tracy the same thing.But I don't think he'll come back.It was almost like he was getting ready, preparing himself for something.""The mind boggles.What the hell is it?""I don't know.But you can bet your ass we'll find out before too long.We and a lot of other people."~*~That evening after the kids were in bed, Tracy brought Woody a beer.A CD of Stan Getz ballads was playing softly.She had been thinking about Keith Aarons and Pan most of the day, feeling sicker by the minute."I have a question," she said as she sat on the carpet near his chair."What?""Do you think.that we could send Keith back?”“Send him back? You mean to the past?""I just wondered if it was possible.Send him back the way we.you brought him here.I know it would be hard to find him, maybe impossible.But if we did somehow, could we send him back?""And leave him there?"She nodded.'Then come back without him, and it would all be as though Pan had never been.Keith would have lived, but no longer than he had—what should I say—been intended to?"Woody was long in answering, and it took great patience not to push him."I.think it could work.If everything was the same.It worked before.I don't know how, but it did.You're proof of it."If it did.And then we came back.Things would be different again.Because when Keith died.I died with him.""So we'd have a third world," Woody said."One in which there was no Pan because Keith had died, but you'd be there.And Peter and Louisa." He smiled."The best of all possible worlds.""Would it be?" she said."Possible, I mean.How many different tracks can there be? I think it's incredible that there can actually be two, let alone more.""Why not?""How many times can reality break apart and reform itself, Woody? How many tracks can the universe hold?""If it's infinite, an infinity of them, I guess.""But you don't know.""Jesus, who does? What's your point, Tracy?"She couldn't tell him.Not yet."Nothing.No point.Meta-physical pedantry, that's all." She went over to the silent sound system, and hit play again, too weary to choose another disc."I'm going to get a bath."In the tub, she thought about what she had not told Woody, let her mind lay immersed in fear as her body lay in the warm, soft water.She was afraid that once she went back to the past, to that same apartment on a fall night twenty-odd years before, that she would not be able to return, that the cycle would stop, that the life she loved and knew so vividly had been only a visit, a gift of grace from some unimaginable god who now realized that he had made a mistake, and saw a chance to set things right again.For Keith's existence was wrong.Some huge cosmic error had saved his life along with Tracy's.Thousands of people had died because of that mistake, and their friends' lives had been ruined.And now Keith was planning.what? A still worse offense? A disaster on a massive scale?She closed her eyes and let herself slide down into the water, until it covered her chin, her mouth, her eyes, until her head was under, and she thought that if she had ceased to draw breath on that night long ago, how many other dead people would be alive today?And then she thought about her children, and let her face break the surface of the water, and breathed again.Her children.She got out of the tub, dried herself, put on a robe, and walked into Peter's room.He was asleep, his arm around a stuffed rabbit.He held it every night, though he thought he was too old for stuffed animals, and compromised by refusing to acknowledge it or admit to its existence, even to his mother.Still, there it was in his arms.Isn't that funny, she thought.He loves you, but you're not supposed to exist.Isn't that funny.And sad.What would happen to you, little boy? What would happen, not if Mommy went away, but if she never was your mommy? Where would you go?Heaven? Limbo? Someplace where dream children live? And could I be there with you?Please?She sat on the floor next to his bed for a long time, just watching him breathe, watching him be.She finally fell asleep, her head against the wall, and Woody had to wake her up so that she could go to bed.Chapter 37September 25, 1993:.and O'Hare International waits below.Already the virus is spreading through the world.I could stop now, but I feel the need to hurry it along.After so many years of struggle, what I sought has finally come, and I feel happier than I have in such a long time.Again I am in coach class.I want to be among people, to reach as many as possible.A nun is sitting next to me, one of those new-style nuns with the shortish skirt and part of her hair showing.She's very friendly, and is going to some nun convention in Chicago—I don't know why that sounds so silly—nun convention, with maybe a man popping out of a cake naked except for a priest's collar.That may be the first bit of levity I've ever written in my book of the mind.There was never any reason for it before.In any event, the nun will take some extra guests to her convention—millions of them on her breath.And, like a good Christian, she will share.She will multiply her loaves and fishes.I've been sharing.In Los Angeles I shared over and over again [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.Give me a chance to."He let it trail off, and she looked at him."To kill him?”“Maybe.How's Frank doing? Hear from him?""They've still got Judy under observation.It must be a terrible place.Frank's lawyer hasn't been able to get her out.The man she.attacked is doing all right.Frank's just this side of a basket case.He blames himself.I think.""You think?"She shrugged."He said he should've seen this breakdown coming.But there was something else.Something he didn't tell me.""You think he knew it was Keith?""I didn't mention it.Neither did he.""How about Diane?""I finally talked to her yesterday.She sounded so strange.Very cool, but with.an edge.Almost like she didn't care.""I don't think they've loved each other for a long time." He leaned over and kissed her, bumping his crutch so that it clattered to the wooden deck."Everyone else is okay? Nothing's happened to Curly or Eddie or Dale?""No, I talked to all of them, and they're okay.Curly's taking it real seriously.He even hired a bodyguard.""We have to do something.I don't know what, but something.Will you get me the phone? I want to call Curly."A strange voice answered the phone, and put Curly on."That was my bodyguard, Jocko," he said.“Jocko?" Woody laughed in spite of himself."Seriously?”“Nah, his name's Kevin, but I think a bodyguard ought to be called Jocko or Bruno or something.He doesn't mind.""You haven't seen anything of our.friend?""You mean Keith? No.""It's him, Curly.It really is him.He came here the other night, tried to make me.well, let's say I wound up hurting myself instead."Curly was quiet for a long time."Tracy didn't give me the details, just that you had an accident.Son of a bitch.You're sure it was him?""I can still hear his voice, still see him.He said something about.about doing the world.""Doing the world? What's that supposed to mean?”“I don't know.Unless—""Like with gangsters, you do somebody, you—""Kill them.""Yeah." Neither one spoke for a while."Damn.Talk about your delusions of grandeur.He's one sick puppy.You think he was serious or just bragging or what?""I don't know.God only knows what he's capable of.Stealing a nuclear device, setting it off in New York or L.A.or someplace? Trying to start World War Three? I just don't know.How else would you do the world?""But would Pan do something like that?" Curly said."I mean, that's kind of the ultimate pollution.Out of character, huh? But then he's gotta be nuts to begin with.""Maybe.But from everything I've read about him, there's a terrible logic to his insanity.""I almost wish he'd show up.I'd shoot his ass.Or Jocko would.""I know.I told Tracy the same thing.But I don't think he'll come back.It was almost like he was getting ready, preparing himself for something.""The mind boggles.What the hell is it?""I don't know.But you can bet your ass we'll find out before too long.We and a lot of other people."~*~That evening after the kids were in bed, Tracy brought Woody a beer.A CD of Stan Getz ballads was playing softly.She had been thinking about Keith Aarons and Pan most of the day, feeling sicker by the minute."I have a question," she said as she sat on the carpet near his chair."What?""Do you think.that we could send Keith back?”“Send him back? You mean to the past?""I just wondered if it was possible.Send him back the way we.you brought him here.I know it would be hard to find him, maybe impossible.But if we did somehow, could we send him back?""And leave him there?"She nodded.'Then come back without him, and it would all be as though Pan had never been.Keith would have lived, but no longer than he had—what should I say—been intended to?"Woody was long in answering, and it took great patience not to push him."I.think it could work.If everything was the same.It worked before.I don't know how, but it did.You're proof of it."If it did.And then we came back.Things would be different again.Because when Keith died.I died with him.""So we'd have a third world," Woody said."One in which there was no Pan because Keith had died, but you'd be there.And Peter and Louisa." He smiled."The best of all possible worlds.""Would it be?" she said."Possible, I mean.How many different tracks can there be? I think it's incredible that there can actually be two, let alone more.""Why not?""How many times can reality break apart and reform itself, Woody? How many tracks can the universe hold?""If it's infinite, an infinity of them, I guess.""But you don't know.""Jesus, who does? What's your point, Tracy?"She couldn't tell him.Not yet."Nothing.No point.Meta-physical pedantry, that's all." She went over to the silent sound system, and hit play again, too weary to choose another disc."I'm going to get a bath."In the tub, she thought about what she had not told Woody, let her mind lay immersed in fear as her body lay in the warm, soft water.She was afraid that once she went back to the past, to that same apartment on a fall night twenty-odd years before, that she would not be able to return, that the cycle would stop, that the life she loved and knew so vividly had been only a visit, a gift of grace from some unimaginable god who now realized that he had made a mistake, and saw a chance to set things right again.For Keith's existence was wrong.Some huge cosmic error had saved his life along with Tracy's.Thousands of people had died because of that mistake, and their friends' lives had been ruined.And now Keith was planning.what? A still worse offense? A disaster on a massive scale?She closed her eyes and let herself slide down into the water, until it covered her chin, her mouth, her eyes, until her head was under, and she thought that if she had ceased to draw breath on that night long ago, how many other dead people would be alive today?And then she thought about her children, and let her face break the surface of the water, and breathed again.Her children.She got out of the tub, dried herself, put on a robe, and walked into Peter's room.He was asleep, his arm around a stuffed rabbit.He held it every night, though he thought he was too old for stuffed animals, and compromised by refusing to acknowledge it or admit to its existence, even to his mother.Still, there it was in his arms.Isn't that funny, she thought.He loves you, but you're not supposed to exist.Isn't that funny.And sad.What would happen to you, little boy? What would happen, not if Mommy went away, but if she never was your mommy? Where would you go?Heaven? Limbo? Someplace where dream children live? And could I be there with you?Please?She sat on the floor next to his bed for a long time, just watching him breathe, watching him be.She finally fell asleep, her head against the wall, and Woody had to wake her up so that she could go to bed.Chapter 37September 25, 1993:.and O'Hare International waits below.Already the virus is spreading through the world.I could stop now, but I feel the need to hurry it along.After so many years of struggle, what I sought has finally come, and I feel happier than I have in such a long time.Again I am in coach class.I want to be among people, to reach as many as possible.A nun is sitting next to me, one of those new-style nuns with the shortish skirt and part of her hair showing.She's very friendly, and is going to some nun convention in Chicago—I don't know why that sounds so silly—nun convention, with maybe a man popping out of a cake naked except for a priest's collar.That may be the first bit of levity I've ever written in my book of the mind.There was never any reason for it before.In any event, the nun will take some extra guests to her convention—millions of them on her breath.And, like a good Christian, she will share.She will multiply her loaves and fishes.I've been sharing.In Los Angeles I shared over and over again [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]