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.I covered my face with my hands and released a few tight, silent sobs, my eyes burning with hot tears that didn't quite fall.Why the hell was I acting like this? I’d wanted it.I’d asked for it.Josh had been careful, gentle, and considerate.And here I was acting like a fool.Like a child.I was still sitting on the toilet when I heard Josh calling out from the hall.“Leslie? Leslie?”I didn’t answer.Didn’t want to talk to him.Didn’t want to see him.Didn’t want him to see me like this.In less than a minute, Josh was pounding on the bathroom door.“Leslie? What’s the matter? Damn it, let me in!”His urgent voice made me want to cry even more.“Leslie! Did I hurt you? Damn it, you have to tell me!”“You didn’t hurt me,” I managed to choke out, since I didn’t want him to start to panic.“I’m fine.”“Then why won’t you let me in?” He must be slamming the door with a flattened palm, and the force was rattling the wall.“Damn it, Leslie, you’re not fine! Open this damned door or I’ll break it down!”I could tell from his tone that he was serious, and it would be dumb to make him damage the door and cause a lot of inconvenience for both of us.So I pulled myself up, flushed the toilet, and unlocked the door.Instead of waiting for him to open it, I pulled off my damp, wrinkled tank and stepped into the shower, turning the water on hot.He was in the shower with me before the water had even warmed up.Grabbing me by the shoulders, he turned me around and hauled me up close to him.“Leslie, tell me what the fuck is the matter!”His face was urgent, searching.It made my throat close up.“Noth—““Don’t you dare lie to me.”He wasn’t normally like this.He was usually laidback, funny, sexy.His intensity disturbed me as much as our animalistic coupling a few minutes before.“I don’t know,” I admitted, choking on the words as a helpless sob ripped through me.I shook a few times with my tears.“I just don’t know.”The hot water was beating down on me now, soaking my hair and skin and streaming down over my naked body.Josh stepped under the spray too and took me in his arms, holding me tightly against him.“Please tell me if I hurt you.”“You didn’t.” My voice was muffled in his chest.“You didn’t hurt me at all.” I was crying for real now—in sobs and hiccups and strangled gasps.“I thought you really wanted it.I never would have—““I did want it.I did.It’s not your fault.I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”Josh stroked my back and hugged me as I wept.He murmured out a lot of incoherent nonsense that comforted me despite the fact that I had no idea what he was saying.After a long time, my skin started to prune, and my sobs wore themselves out.I lifted up my head and gave him a red-eyed, self-deprecating look.“I’m really fine.I don’t know what happened.Thanks for being so careful about everything.”He scowled at me.“What else did you think I would do?” Then his face softened.“Do you want me to leave?”“Only if you’re ready.If you don’t want to yet, then it’s fine.I can help clean things up.”“I took care of it.”“Oh.Thanks.”“Why don’t we just go lie down?”“Okay.That sounds good.”So we dried off, and I went to find a pair of cotton man-style pajamas while Josh pulled on his boxers and straightened out the bed.I crawled under the covers beside him and was surprised when he took me in his arms.“Leslie,” he asked softly, “will you tell me the truth?”“Yeah.” I would, if I possibly could.“Did I try to please myself at your expense?”I stiffened in surprise and pulled away from him slightly.“No! I keep telling you that I wanted it.”“That’s not really what I’m asking.” He looked torn in some way—as torn as I felt.“Did I take what I wanted, without giving you what you need?”There was a weight in my heart that made it clear that what had just happened wasn’t what I really needed.From him.For me.But that was my fault and not his.“You didn’t.You were great.”It was like he hadn’t really heard me.He pulled me tighter into his arms and murmured against my hair, “I don’t like to think I’m that kind of man.”“You aren’t.”“I don’t want to be that kind of man.”“Josh, you aren’t.”“I’ve see the consequences of it.So many times.When someone takes what they want at the expense of other people.It breaks people.”I did feel kind of broken, but Josh hadn’t done it to me.“Josh, listen to me,” I said against his chest.“You were amazing.I wanted this.I asked for this.You need to allow me responsibility for my own decisions.You are not that kind of man.”I don’t know if he believed me.The lingering guilt was palpable in his body, as he held me tightly.I was still raw and sore all over, and my eyes felt swollen from crying.But it felt good to be held, cradled this way.It was what I’d wanted all evening but had thought I shouldn’t have.There was no way to stop myself from nestling against him, though.Seeking strength.Seeking comfort.He didn’t say anything else, and it was a relief.Just like it was a relief for my exhausted body to finally drift into sleep.I wasn’t entirely peaceful though.I still felt a remnant of that vague ache deep in my belly.I just wasn’t ready to think about what it meant.NineFor a week afterwards, I didn’t call Josh.I felt weird and heavy about the whole thing.Not like he’d done anything wrong, but like there was something not quite right about the way we were together.I focused on work and hung out with friends and tried to refamiliarize myself with my regular life.I thought about Josh a lot.I missed him—and not just the sex.But there was always this resistance to picking up the phone and calling him.I knew he’d always left it to me to initiate our times together.Since we hadn’t made arrangements to get together when he left my place the morning after we’d had anal sex, I knew he was probably just waiting for me to contact him.But the truth was I wanted him to call me.I wanted him to miss me—want to see me—enough to get over his sense that I should be the one in the driver’s seat [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.I covered my face with my hands and released a few tight, silent sobs, my eyes burning with hot tears that didn't quite fall.Why the hell was I acting like this? I’d wanted it.I’d asked for it.Josh had been careful, gentle, and considerate.And here I was acting like a fool.Like a child.I was still sitting on the toilet when I heard Josh calling out from the hall.“Leslie? Leslie?”I didn’t answer.Didn’t want to talk to him.Didn’t want to see him.Didn’t want him to see me like this.In less than a minute, Josh was pounding on the bathroom door.“Leslie? What’s the matter? Damn it, let me in!”His urgent voice made me want to cry even more.“Leslie! Did I hurt you? Damn it, you have to tell me!”“You didn’t hurt me,” I managed to choke out, since I didn’t want him to start to panic.“I’m fine.”“Then why won’t you let me in?” He must be slamming the door with a flattened palm, and the force was rattling the wall.“Damn it, Leslie, you’re not fine! Open this damned door or I’ll break it down!”I could tell from his tone that he was serious, and it would be dumb to make him damage the door and cause a lot of inconvenience for both of us.So I pulled myself up, flushed the toilet, and unlocked the door.Instead of waiting for him to open it, I pulled off my damp, wrinkled tank and stepped into the shower, turning the water on hot.He was in the shower with me before the water had even warmed up.Grabbing me by the shoulders, he turned me around and hauled me up close to him.“Leslie, tell me what the fuck is the matter!”His face was urgent, searching.It made my throat close up.“Noth—““Don’t you dare lie to me.”He wasn’t normally like this.He was usually laidback, funny, sexy.His intensity disturbed me as much as our animalistic coupling a few minutes before.“I don’t know,” I admitted, choking on the words as a helpless sob ripped through me.I shook a few times with my tears.“I just don’t know.”The hot water was beating down on me now, soaking my hair and skin and streaming down over my naked body.Josh stepped under the spray too and took me in his arms, holding me tightly against him.“Please tell me if I hurt you.”“You didn’t.” My voice was muffled in his chest.“You didn’t hurt me at all.” I was crying for real now—in sobs and hiccups and strangled gasps.“I thought you really wanted it.I never would have—““I did want it.I did.It’s not your fault.I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”Josh stroked my back and hugged me as I wept.He murmured out a lot of incoherent nonsense that comforted me despite the fact that I had no idea what he was saying.After a long time, my skin started to prune, and my sobs wore themselves out.I lifted up my head and gave him a red-eyed, self-deprecating look.“I’m really fine.I don’t know what happened.Thanks for being so careful about everything.”He scowled at me.“What else did you think I would do?” Then his face softened.“Do you want me to leave?”“Only if you’re ready.If you don’t want to yet, then it’s fine.I can help clean things up.”“I took care of it.”“Oh.Thanks.”“Why don’t we just go lie down?”“Okay.That sounds good.”So we dried off, and I went to find a pair of cotton man-style pajamas while Josh pulled on his boxers and straightened out the bed.I crawled under the covers beside him and was surprised when he took me in his arms.“Leslie,” he asked softly, “will you tell me the truth?”“Yeah.” I would, if I possibly could.“Did I try to please myself at your expense?”I stiffened in surprise and pulled away from him slightly.“No! I keep telling you that I wanted it.”“That’s not really what I’m asking.” He looked torn in some way—as torn as I felt.“Did I take what I wanted, without giving you what you need?”There was a weight in my heart that made it clear that what had just happened wasn’t what I really needed.From him.For me.But that was my fault and not his.“You didn’t.You were great.”It was like he hadn’t really heard me.He pulled me tighter into his arms and murmured against my hair, “I don’t like to think I’m that kind of man.”“You aren’t.”“I don’t want to be that kind of man.”“Josh, you aren’t.”“I’ve see the consequences of it.So many times.When someone takes what they want at the expense of other people.It breaks people.”I did feel kind of broken, but Josh hadn’t done it to me.“Josh, listen to me,” I said against his chest.“You were amazing.I wanted this.I asked for this.You need to allow me responsibility for my own decisions.You are not that kind of man.”I don’t know if he believed me.The lingering guilt was palpable in his body, as he held me tightly.I was still raw and sore all over, and my eyes felt swollen from crying.But it felt good to be held, cradled this way.It was what I’d wanted all evening but had thought I shouldn’t have.There was no way to stop myself from nestling against him, though.Seeking strength.Seeking comfort.He didn’t say anything else, and it was a relief.Just like it was a relief for my exhausted body to finally drift into sleep.I wasn’t entirely peaceful though.I still felt a remnant of that vague ache deep in my belly.I just wasn’t ready to think about what it meant.NineFor a week afterwards, I didn’t call Josh.I felt weird and heavy about the whole thing.Not like he’d done anything wrong, but like there was something not quite right about the way we were together.I focused on work and hung out with friends and tried to refamiliarize myself with my regular life.I thought about Josh a lot.I missed him—and not just the sex.But there was always this resistance to picking up the phone and calling him.I knew he’d always left it to me to initiate our times together.Since we hadn’t made arrangements to get together when he left my place the morning after we’d had anal sex, I knew he was probably just waiting for me to contact him.But the truth was I wanted him to call me.I wanted him to miss me—want to see me—enough to get over his sense that I should be the one in the driver’s seat [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]