[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.Men%20Don't%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txt (35 of 40) [1/5/2005 11:15:15 PM]file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Tom%20Easton%20-%20Real%20Men%20Don't%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txt"You couldn't pronounce it.So call us doggies.""And we're just folks," said Clem."Tourists, you know?""Come to gawk at the quaint natives, eh?" asked Mickey."You're not as quaint as you used to be," said Kilroy."And just how long have you been taking your vacations here?" asked Rocky.By now the humanoid aliens from the flying saucer were close enough to shakeClem's hand.One did."Haven't seen you out here for a while.""Busy, busy.Some of our customers don't get along.You know.""Hey!" barked a Hydran from the saucer's entrance."It's not our fault!""I didn't say it was.""Wait a minute," said Rocky."Is that what you were doing with the rope?And the switch? Breaking up arguments?""Not always.Sometimes a customer samples the wrong food or beverage, and thenhe starts cussing out a real fire hydrant.""How long.?" Rocky's voice was now tinged with impatience."About five hundred years," said the one with the fuzz."Earth didn't get real popular until just the last few years." Clem soundedfaintly apologetic."You finally have amenities a little more like what the customers are usedto," said another humanoid alien."They still have to rough it, but."He shrugged, and Kilroy said, "Not too many Earthlings go in for wildernesscamping, you know?""There have been a few, though," said Clem."Ah, well.Chaucer couldn't make it back home, right?""What about Jackie Gleason, Abbott and Costello, Phil Silvers, Laurel andHardy, the Three Stooges, Red Skelton?""They got bigger laughs here in the bumwads, didn't they?""We call it the sticks," said Mickey.Several of the aliens laughed.One said, "You sound like you think yourspecies has produced any comedians at all!""You mean we haven't?" asked Rocky."Precious few! You have enough sense of humor to laugh at our jokes, but youcouldn't even invent vaudeville on your own.Your idea of a joke runs tothings like whoopee cushions and bibles, and the next thing you know you'reshooting at each other.""Come on, now," cried Mickey in protest."What about TV sitcoms?"A doggy pointed at Clem Padiddlepopper with his nose."His predecessor.Had tobe replaced.He invented the 'Strange America' show.""You're trying to tell me that that nonsense can prevent war?"file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Tom.Men%20Don't%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txt (36 of 40) [1/5/2005 11:15:15 PM]file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Tom%20Easton%20-%20Real%20Men%20Don'Page 29 ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.htmlt%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txtBoth the humanoids and the doggies laughed at him."Look at your history!"said a doggy who would have needed very little help to pass as a collie."Whenyou were primitive and had no civilized amenities, and when there weren't verymany of us around to keep you laughing, you had your worst wars.""Now you're not so primitive," said a near greyhound."You have moreamenities, more of us are visiting, and that global conflagration you've allbeen dreading for the last half century or so seems less likely than ever.""But.," said Mickey.The humanoid with the fuzz nodded."Right.You still have plenty of localwars, but they tend to be where there aren't many amenities, which just provesthe point.""You can't laugh and shoot at the same time," said the near-collie."At least, you can't," said a humanoid.15.Cheesit! The Kops!A quiet buzzer sounded within the saucer."Perimeter alert," barked one of the Hydrans as the other abruptly dove forthe spaceship's interior."She's the gunner," said Clem Padiddlepopper.They could now hear the sound of tires on the dirt road that linked the camotent and what it concealed with the outer world.The "butterfly" flapped over the trees, under the tent, and into the saucer'sentrance.The distinctive shape of a police car emerged from the woods.Its lights werenot flashing, and its siren was silent.Behind it was another, and behind that a cab.When it was clear that nothing else was coming, the gunner Hydran rejoined hercompanion in the saucer's entrance.At the same time a third Hydran appearedfrom behind the spaceship, looked around, and began walking toward the crowd.The three cars drew up abreast not far from the Bug.From one squad caremerged the fat and thin cops who had first told Mickey to lay off.What weretheir names? he asked himself.Abe and Custer?The second squad car proved to hold three of the cops who had invadedMickey's apartment and tied him and Rocky to chairs.Ronnie and the redheadand the ape."Where's Quayleedum?" asked Rocky.He was in the back seat of the cab, sandwiched between two Bullwinkles.Thebackwards singer rode shotgun.The cabby was an Elvis.The cops were not wearing their guns.Indeed, their manner now seemed far morepatient and long-suffering than aggressive.As soon as the backwards singer was out of the cab, he pointed a rigidfile:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Tom.Men%20Don't%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txt (37 of 40) [1/5/2005 11:15:15 PM]file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Tom%20Easton%20-%20Real%20Men%20Don't%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txt finger at Mickey."You, sir," he said,"are a nayp ni eth tub.If Clem hadn't fetched you out here, I'd have had tocancel this group's tour."Mickey looked at the Bullwinkles and the Elvis."So they're aliens too.""What did you think they were?""But why the.""Real horns," said Clem."But the Elvises." He shrugged."They're not all real," said the backwards singer."A few are fake, and whenthey take theirs off, everybody believes they're all fake.Neat, huh?" Then heglared at Mickey."As long as no one spills the garbanzos.""He won't," said the ape cop Rocky had dubbed Bonzo on their first meeting."He knows what we'll do to him if he does.""No, you won't," said Clem."Your job is our folks, and you haven't been doingit.Or I wouldn't have to keep breaking up arguments with the Hydrans.Page 30 ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.htmlYou're letting our customers get too conspicuous."Kilroy snorted [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.Men%20Don't%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txt (35 of 40) [1/5/2005 11:15:15 PM]file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Tom%20Easton%20-%20Real%20Men%20Don't%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txt"You couldn't pronounce it.So call us doggies.""And we're just folks," said Clem."Tourists, you know?""Come to gawk at the quaint natives, eh?" asked Mickey."You're not as quaint as you used to be," said Kilroy."And just how long have you been taking your vacations here?" asked Rocky.By now the humanoid aliens from the flying saucer were close enough to shakeClem's hand.One did."Haven't seen you out here for a while.""Busy, busy.Some of our customers don't get along.You know.""Hey!" barked a Hydran from the saucer's entrance."It's not our fault!""I didn't say it was.""Wait a minute," said Rocky."Is that what you were doing with the rope?And the switch? Breaking up arguments?""Not always.Sometimes a customer samples the wrong food or beverage, and thenhe starts cussing out a real fire hydrant.""How long.?" Rocky's voice was now tinged with impatience."About five hundred years," said the one with the fuzz."Earth didn't get real popular until just the last few years." Clem soundedfaintly apologetic."You finally have amenities a little more like what the customers are usedto," said another humanoid alien."They still have to rough it, but."He shrugged, and Kilroy said, "Not too many Earthlings go in for wildernesscamping, you know?""There have been a few, though," said Clem."Ah, well.Chaucer couldn't make it back home, right?""What about Jackie Gleason, Abbott and Costello, Phil Silvers, Laurel andHardy, the Three Stooges, Red Skelton?""They got bigger laughs here in the bumwads, didn't they?""We call it the sticks," said Mickey.Several of the aliens laughed.One said, "You sound like you think yourspecies has produced any comedians at all!""You mean we haven't?" asked Rocky."Precious few! You have enough sense of humor to laugh at our jokes, but youcouldn't even invent vaudeville on your own.Your idea of a joke runs tothings like whoopee cushions and bibles, and the next thing you know you'reshooting at each other.""Come on, now," cried Mickey in protest."What about TV sitcoms?"A doggy pointed at Clem Padiddlepopper with his nose."His predecessor.Had tobe replaced.He invented the 'Strange America' show.""You're trying to tell me that that nonsense can prevent war?"file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Tom.Men%20Don't%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txt (36 of 40) [1/5/2005 11:15:15 PM]file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Tom%20Easton%20-%20Real%20Men%20Don'Page 29 ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.htmlt%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txtBoth the humanoids and the doggies laughed at him."Look at your history!"said a doggy who would have needed very little help to pass as a collie."Whenyou were primitive and had no civilized amenities, and when there weren't verymany of us around to keep you laughing, you had your worst wars.""Now you're not so primitive," said a near greyhound."You have moreamenities, more of us are visiting, and that global conflagration you've allbeen dreading for the last half century or so seems less likely than ever.""But.," said Mickey.The humanoid with the fuzz nodded."Right.You still have plenty of localwars, but they tend to be where there aren't many amenities, which just provesthe point.""You can't laugh and shoot at the same time," said the near-collie."At least, you can't," said a humanoid.15.Cheesit! The Kops!A quiet buzzer sounded within the saucer."Perimeter alert," barked one of the Hydrans as the other abruptly dove forthe spaceship's interior."She's the gunner," said Clem Padiddlepopper.They could now hear the sound of tires on the dirt road that linked the camotent and what it concealed with the outer world.The "butterfly" flapped over the trees, under the tent, and into the saucer'sentrance.The distinctive shape of a police car emerged from the woods.Its lights werenot flashing, and its siren was silent.Behind it was another, and behind that a cab.When it was clear that nothing else was coming, the gunner Hydran rejoined hercompanion in the saucer's entrance.At the same time a third Hydran appearedfrom behind the spaceship, looked around, and began walking toward the crowd.The three cars drew up abreast not far from the Bug.From one squad caremerged the fat and thin cops who had first told Mickey to lay off.What weretheir names? he asked himself.Abe and Custer?The second squad car proved to hold three of the cops who had invadedMickey's apartment and tied him and Rocky to chairs.Ronnie and the redheadand the ape."Where's Quayleedum?" asked Rocky.He was in the back seat of the cab, sandwiched between two Bullwinkles.Thebackwards singer rode shotgun.The cabby was an Elvis.The cops were not wearing their guns.Indeed, their manner now seemed far morepatient and long-suffering than aggressive.As soon as the backwards singer was out of the cab, he pointed a rigidfile:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Tom.Men%20Don't%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txt (37 of 40) [1/5/2005 11:15:15 PM]file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Tom%20Easton%20-%20Real%20Men%20Don't%20Bark%20at%20Fire%20Hydrants.txt finger at Mickey."You, sir," he said,"are a nayp ni eth tub.If Clem hadn't fetched you out here, I'd have had tocancel this group's tour."Mickey looked at the Bullwinkles and the Elvis."So they're aliens too.""What did you think they were?""But why the.""Real horns," said Clem."But the Elvises." He shrugged."They're not all real," said the backwards singer."A few are fake, and whenthey take theirs off, everybody believes they're all fake.Neat, huh?" Then heglared at Mickey."As long as no one spills the garbanzos.""He won't," said the ape cop Rocky had dubbed Bonzo on their first meeting."He knows what we'll do to him if he does.""No, you won't," said Clem."Your job is our folks, and you haven't been doingit.Or I wouldn't have to keep breaking up arguments with the Hydrans.Page 30 ABC Amber Palm Converter, http://www.processtext.com/abcpalm.htmlYou're letting our customers get too conspicuous."Kilroy snorted [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]