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.He just hadn t known it then.Most of the time, he was beyond fear, and he knew it wasn t strength of mind or aphilosophical decision he d made.He was just too tired to fight anymore.He d learnedto shut his own mind down, even without the drug.But now there was Shaw.Lee didn t know what to make of Shaw.He sat on the beach and shivered despite the heat.Coming down was always the worst.The drugs made him nauseated as hissystem fought against them.His hands shook, and his mouth tasted sour.But at leastthis time, he wasn t in the closet in the house, or anywhere near Vornis or Hanson orthe guards.This time when his head had cleared, he was with Shaw.And he knew thatwas the safest place to be on the island.Shaw s touch was gentle, solicitous.He wasdifferent. When I m off this island I ll get a message to your people. That had shocked Lee.It had shocked him so much it had penetrated beyond thedrug.It had stayed with him.He didn t know if he should trust it, but he held on to itbecause it was important.It was precious.It was like the painting Vornis had shownhim. You like that, boy? Ninety-five million dollars.I could buy a thousand boys like you forthat price.That s a thing of fucking beauty, and you will thank Shaw on my behalf.Get on yourknees. The boy in the red vest looked tired, Lee had thought as he d obeyed.Tired andunhappy.Lee shivered at the memory and looked out at the ocean.Shaw had sold Vornisthat painting.That made Shaw some sort of art dealer, he guessed.Probably not the sortwho owned a gallery and filed tax returns, though.Shaw wasn t a good guy.There wasno such thing on the island.But Shaw was different from the others. Lisa Henry | The Island 48Shaw had told him there were cameras in the bungalow.Shaw had told him hewould make a call.And Shaw hadn t hurt him.Shaw hadn t hurt him, but he wanted itto look like he had.He denied he was different, but actions spoke louder than words.Lee didn t understand it, but that was okay.He didn t want to question his luck.Lee watched Shaw swim.The sunlight reflected off the water and blinded him.Hesquinted, and shards of light stabbed his vision.He traced his hand along the edge ofShaw s beach towel, and his fingers came into contact with the arm of Shaw ssunglasses.He looked down at them and wished he could use them.But he knew itwouldn t be worth the trouble if Hanson or his men spotted him.He closed his eyes.Shaw, he thought, wouldn t care if he borrowed the sunglasses, but he didn t pickthem up.He didn t want to be proved wrong.Hope was a fragile thing, and he neededto nurture it for a while before he put his trust in it.He was certain Shaw was different, and not just because he didn t hurt him.When Shaw looked at the ocean, Lee saw the change that came over him.Herelaxed almost imperceptibly, and his hazel eyes let go of their sharpness.He wasn tVornis s guest, then; he wasn t a criminal; he wasn t anything except a man looking atthe ocean.The slight wistful smile that played on his lips made Lee wish he was seeingthe same thing Shaw did whenever his gaze traveled the horizon, whatever it was.Shaw hadn t hurt him, and Shaw had said he d call the authorities once he was offthe island Lee replayed it in his mind just to be sure he hadn t imagined it.It wasunprecedented, and he didn t understand it, but he wanted to believe it.And both ofthose things, the kindness and the promise, might have been enough to feed Lee s hope,but it was more than that.Lee had seen Shaw s face when he looked at the ocean, and itwas the most human face Lee had seen in a long time.That was that man Lee had gone onto his knees for in the shower the night before.He knew Shaw thought it was just gratitude or a behavior that had been beaten intohim, but it was more than that.Shaw was the only man who had looked him in the eyefor a long time, and he d seen past the humiliation and degradation.He d seen Lee.He d given Lee his name back.Lee traced his fingers through the sand.Maybe some of it was gratitude, but most of it was because Shaw had looked himin the eye.The thrill Lee had felt as he d gone down onto his knees had made himbreathless.His body might have been his only currency on the island, but this was thefirst time since his capture that he had used it entirely on his own terms.Notbargaining, not begging, and not calculating.If you go to him before he calls you, he won t hit you so hard.If you make it good, he ll feed you.If you don t struggle, maybe they won t cut you. Lisa Henry | The Island 49There was no shame in taking the path of least resistance, not with Vornis andHanson and all the others, but with Shaw, it had felt different.It hadn t felt like acompromise.If you get him off quickly, it ll be over sooner.With Shaw, he had wanted it to last.The thing with Shaw in the shower had been freely given, and Lee knew thatShaw didn t get that.His reaction had been confused: first a kiss, and then a harshreprimand.He was a man used to showing affection to his sexual partners, Lee realized,and he had reasserted his dominance too late.It didn t matter.The blowjob had been asmuch for Lee s benefit as Shaw s, and he didn t regret doing it.Shaw had tasted good.And it helped that he was hot.In his old life, Shaw would have been exactly Lee stype.There was no harm in acknowledging that, even though acting on the attractionhad been frightening at first.Lee had been afraid that it might mean he had become anaccomplice in his own torture, and that taking enjoyment in the act meant he hadaccepted everything that had come before, but Shaw was different.Shaw was someonehe might have picked up in a club or at a party, back when he was allowed a choice.And so, in the shower, Lee had made that choice, because when would he be given thechance again?It was okay to differentiate, wasn t it? He was in uncharted waters, and it madehim nervous.But different had to mean better.It couldn t mean worse.Shaw wasn tlike the others.His reaction in the shower had demonstrated that.When you re with him, you re okay.Lee nursed his secret hope anxiously.He opened his eyes again and trailed his fingers through the warm sand.Hefound a sand dollar and turned it over in his palm.Lee collected sand dollars.They were made by some sort of sea urchin, heguessed.They were light, flat, round shells, and whatever creature had once lived inthem had left a pattern on each side that reminded Lee of a stylized flower or the firstfew turns on a Spirograph.He collected them because he liked the pattern, because theywere abundant in the shallows, and because it gave him something to do.It gave him some control [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
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.He just hadn t known it then.Most of the time, he was beyond fear, and he knew it wasn t strength of mind or aphilosophical decision he d made.He was just too tired to fight anymore.He d learnedto shut his own mind down, even without the drug.But now there was Shaw.Lee didn t know what to make of Shaw.He sat on the beach and shivered despite the heat.Coming down was always the worst.The drugs made him nauseated as hissystem fought against them.His hands shook, and his mouth tasted sour.But at leastthis time, he wasn t in the closet in the house, or anywhere near Vornis or Hanson orthe guards.This time when his head had cleared, he was with Shaw.And he knew thatwas the safest place to be on the island.Shaw s touch was gentle, solicitous.He wasdifferent. When I m off this island I ll get a message to your people. That had shocked Lee.It had shocked him so much it had penetrated beyond thedrug.It had stayed with him.He didn t know if he should trust it, but he held on to itbecause it was important.It was precious.It was like the painting Vornis had shownhim. You like that, boy? Ninety-five million dollars.I could buy a thousand boys like you forthat price.That s a thing of fucking beauty, and you will thank Shaw on my behalf.Get on yourknees. The boy in the red vest looked tired, Lee had thought as he d obeyed.Tired andunhappy.Lee shivered at the memory and looked out at the ocean.Shaw had sold Vornisthat painting.That made Shaw some sort of art dealer, he guessed.Probably not the sortwho owned a gallery and filed tax returns, though.Shaw wasn t a good guy.There wasno such thing on the island.But Shaw was different from the others. Lisa Henry | The Island 48Shaw had told him there were cameras in the bungalow.Shaw had told him hewould make a call.And Shaw hadn t hurt him.Shaw hadn t hurt him, but he wanted itto look like he had.He denied he was different, but actions spoke louder than words.Lee didn t understand it, but that was okay.He didn t want to question his luck.Lee watched Shaw swim.The sunlight reflected off the water and blinded him.Hesquinted, and shards of light stabbed his vision.He traced his hand along the edge ofShaw s beach towel, and his fingers came into contact with the arm of Shaw ssunglasses.He looked down at them and wished he could use them.But he knew itwouldn t be worth the trouble if Hanson or his men spotted him.He closed his eyes.Shaw, he thought, wouldn t care if he borrowed the sunglasses, but he didn t pickthem up.He didn t want to be proved wrong.Hope was a fragile thing, and he neededto nurture it for a while before he put his trust in it.He was certain Shaw was different, and not just because he didn t hurt him.When Shaw looked at the ocean, Lee saw the change that came over him.Herelaxed almost imperceptibly, and his hazel eyes let go of their sharpness.He wasn tVornis s guest, then; he wasn t a criminal; he wasn t anything except a man looking atthe ocean.The slight wistful smile that played on his lips made Lee wish he was seeingthe same thing Shaw did whenever his gaze traveled the horizon, whatever it was.Shaw hadn t hurt him, and Shaw had said he d call the authorities once he was offthe island Lee replayed it in his mind just to be sure he hadn t imagined it.It wasunprecedented, and he didn t understand it, but he wanted to believe it.And both ofthose things, the kindness and the promise, might have been enough to feed Lee s hope,but it was more than that.Lee had seen Shaw s face when he looked at the ocean, and itwas the most human face Lee had seen in a long time.That was that man Lee had gone onto his knees for in the shower the night before.He knew Shaw thought it was just gratitude or a behavior that had been beaten intohim, but it was more than that.Shaw was the only man who had looked him in the eyefor a long time, and he d seen past the humiliation and degradation.He d seen Lee.He d given Lee his name back.Lee traced his fingers through the sand.Maybe some of it was gratitude, but most of it was because Shaw had looked himin the eye.The thrill Lee had felt as he d gone down onto his knees had made himbreathless.His body might have been his only currency on the island, but this was thefirst time since his capture that he had used it entirely on his own terms.Notbargaining, not begging, and not calculating.If you go to him before he calls you, he won t hit you so hard.If you make it good, he ll feed you.If you don t struggle, maybe they won t cut you. Lisa Henry | The Island 49There was no shame in taking the path of least resistance, not with Vornis andHanson and all the others, but with Shaw, it had felt different.It hadn t felt like acompromise.If you get him off quickly, it ll be over sooner.With Shaw, he had wanted it to last.The thing with Shaw in the shower had been freely given, and Lee knew thatShaw didn t get that.His reaction had been confused: first a kiss, and then a harshreprimand.He was a man used to showing affection to his sexual partners, Lee realized,and he had reasserted his dominance too late.It didn t matter.The blowjob had been asmuch for Lee s benefit as Shaw s, and he didn t regret doing it.Shaw had tasted good.And it helped that he was hot.In his old life, Shaw would have been exactly Lee stype.There was no harm in acknowledging that, even though acting on the attractionhad been frightening at first.Lee had been afraid that it might mean he had become anaccomplice in his own torture, and that taking enjoyment in the act meant he hadaccepted everything that had come before, but Shaw was different.Shaw was someonehe might have picked up in a club or at a party, back when he was allowed a choice.And so, in the shower, Lee had made that choice, because when would he be given thechance again?It was okay to differentiate, wasn t it? He was in uncharted waters, and it madehim nervous.But different had to mean better.It couldn t mean worse.Shaw wasn tlike the others.His reaction in the shower had demonstrated that.When you re with him, you re okay.Lee nursed his secret hope anxiously.He opened his eyes again and trailed his fingers through the warm sand.Hefound a sand dollar and turned it over in his palm.Lee collected sand dollars.They were made by some sort of sea urchin, heguessed.They were light, flat, round shells, and whatever creature had once lived inthem had left a pattern on each side that reminded Lee of a stylized flower or the firstfew turns on a Spirograph.He collected them because he liked the pattern, because theywere abundant in the shallows, and because it gave him something to do.It gave him some control [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]